The Great Equalizer

Some people say that death is The Great Equalizer. I disagree. True, we all die and we can’t stop it, but a rich person can have a fancier funeral than a poor person. Or a prettier coffin. Some people don’t even get a funeral. Some people don’t even get a burial. So death isn’t really The Great Equalizer. It is some sort of an equalizer, yes, but it’s not The Equalizer.

So what is The Great Equalizer?

Wal-Mart. Yes, Wal-Mart. Why? Allow me to explain:

Wal-Mart always gets a bad rap. Rich people say it’s disgusting and that they get a nosebleed every time they drive by it. But when I go to Wal-Mart, you know who I see? Of course, I see the typical Mexican family with 12 kids. I see the usual white-trash family with 2 babies in their diapers in the basket. But you know what else I see? I see the girl with the Prada sunglasses and bag driving a Lexus. I see the guy with an Armani suite getting out of his Jag. I’ve even seen Hummers, Bentleys, and a Rolse Royce. (The Rolse Royce was at Sam’s Club.)

So why do I see all these rich people at a place that has come to be known as an abomination to society? Because you don’t get rich by spending money. You don’t get rich by spending $12 for a pound of shrimp at Whole Foods when you could get it frozen for five bucks at Wal-Mart. Those nicely dressed people shopping at Wal-Mart know what they’re doing. They’re saving money. And they don’t care if Wal-Mart is monopolizing the grocery and retail industry. All they care about is saving money. And good for them. They’ve learned the secret to being rich. Shop at Wal-Mart.

I sometimes get bored at work…

..but who doesn’t?

So I sometimes look at comics on the internet and I’ve found this one guy, Jason Love, who’s pretty funny. For example…

Or this…

The facial expression on this guy is priceless.

 

True, this isn’t a real post. But these were so funny I had to share them.

I think it is a perfectly legitimate question…

The other day this lady told me that she was a Southern Baptist.

So my question is What’s the difference between a Southern Baptist and a regular Baptist? Do they eat more fried chicken or something?

How to avoid getting a lecture from my dad

First, some background:

My dad loves lecturing. Well, I don’t know if he loves it but he just does it a lot. And when he lectures he uses, like, 15 illustrations that apply to what we’re talking about. Literally, 15. He’s the illustration king. He’ll even use an illustration to explain an illustration. He could teach Jesus a few things about illustrations, that’s how many he uses. And they’re always different, too. That’s what fascinates me. He’ll just come up with 15 different illustrations on the spot. Or maybe he plans it, I don’t know.

So anyway, couple the 15 illustrations with the normal stuff you say in a lecture to your kids and you’ve got a pretty long conversation.

And I hate it. I listen, don’t get me wrong. I understand it’s important and I do whatever he tells me to do. It’s just that it takes so long.

So yesterday I knew a lecture was coming. I had stayed out late Saturday and Sunday night. I didn’t get home until 1 in the morning or later. On Sunday when I got home he let me know that he didn’t like it and said “We’ll talk about it later.” And I’m thinking “oh crap. Another 20 minute lecture with 15 illustrations about how I need to get in bed earlier” which I already know and I shouldn’t have stayed out late I just had other circumstances that I didn’t really want to explain to him. Anyway, so all day I’m bracing myself for this lecture.

However, as it turned out, I managed to avoid the lecture. How? Well, I got home and he said “sit down, we’re going to talk” and I sat down and said “You know, you are absolutely right about getting to bed earlier. I felt miserable the entire day and could not hardly function. So I am never going to do that again. I should’ve gotten home earlier and next time I’ll be sure that I do”. (Of course, I really did mean this. I felt like crap the whole day.) And it worked! No lecture! We talked about it a little more for a few minutes but that was it! I was so happy I can’t tell you.

So anyway, from now on I know what to do when a lecture comes. I’m passing on the secret to all you who have parents that obviously took some class on how to lecture your kids and use 15 illustrations while doing it.

You’re welcome.

Update to “My Hot Water Heater”

This is pretty cool.

So I talked about my hot water heater and how I thought it was weird that the company had been around since 1881. Well, I guess Bradford White has people scouring the internet  for mentions of their name in case they need to defend themselves or something. So anyway, I got a reply from a guy directly at Bradford White telling me all about the history of the company and how a company that makes hot water heaters could have been around since 1881. Pretty cool, huh? Here it is:

“Good morning: The history of Bradford White Corporations does in fact go back to 1881. Originally Pennsylvania Range Boiler, then Pennsylvania Bradford, the company became Bradford White with the merger of Pennsylvania Bradford and White Product in Michigan in the early 1960’s.

We are very proud of our history and heritage. We are also proud that our products are produced in the USA, unlike our competitors who have moved some of their production to Mexico. We have earned a reputation for producing the best water heaters in the industry.

Thank you for purchasing our product. We are not lying.”

Sweet!

My hot water heater

So I’m looking at our hot water heater and the brand is Bradford White. (Weird name.) And right under the brand name it says “Since 1881″. And I’m like, that’s interesting; did they have hot water heaters in 1881? I mean, how many other products can a company that makes hot water heaters possibly make? It’s not like they make hot water heaters and horse shoes. What else would you need in 1881 as well as 2008 that is related to hot water heaters?

I think they’re lying.

Some things you just need to write down

This was a funny conversation that I heard the other day. I was in the car when it happened but I was not involved in the conversation. So when you see “I”, that’s not me talking that’s the person talking.

I’ll give you a little background. We went to the door of a psychic reader and knocked on it and no one came to the door. So….

“Well, the psychic wasn’t in – I guess she knew we were coming. She had a peep hole on the door and I said ‘She shouldn’t need a peephole, she should already know who it is.’”

“Well, maybe it’s for the hired help.”

“Hired help? You think she’s that good that she can hire someone else to work for her?”

“Well…someone’s gotta clean the place, she’s busy concentrating.”

___

I thought it was funny. (Of course, the whole thing was said in a very satirical manner.)

My theory about how Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are going to take over the world

I mean, think about it: They own everything.

They have clothes, make-up, hair stuff, shoes, cereal, bedroom stuff, bathroom stuff, movies, music…

You could probably live off of nothing but Mary-Kate and Ashley stuff. You can wear their clothes, eat their cereal, live in a house decorated with their stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if they started making cars! They have toys, books, magazines, glasses.

You may think I’m crazy but if you wake up one day and the entire world has gone Mary-Kate and Ashley you’ll know who to turn to for guidance on what will happen next. That’s right. Me. The one that predicted this hot mess.

Who says an ice chest isn’t a good lawn ornament? Who?

Okay well it wasn’t a lawn ornament, it was a porch ornament. Same thing.

So I’m at someone’s house the other day and I’m standing on their porch and for decoration they’ve got an ice chest with a little scarecrow on it (’cause it’s November) and then a little fence of lattice-type stuff around it. I mean, you could tell that this was extremely deliberate that they had an ice chest on their porch. It wasn’t like they had just set it down and left it there. They really thought about it. They were like, ‘this would definately be a super-cool decoration if we put this ice chest here and then put a little fence around it.’ ‘Cause you know if it’s not November that scarecrow isn’t there. So really just the ice chest with the latice around it is the decoration.

Completely wierd and randon, I know.

I won’t state that they were Jewish ’cause then people would get onto me and say I’m being anti-Semitic. But I’m not.